How I Really Feel about You
by Sheen
Summary: Drabbles. All from Naoki's point of view. About his feelings towards Kotoko. *Spoilers*
1. Chapter 1

Fear

The First Taste of Fear

You were the reason why I first experienced fear.

I saw your two annoying best friends in the distance and heaved a sigh. I was in no mood for their antics. No doubt I admired their loyalty to you - the type of loyalty only possessed by the extremely stupid or naive. Loyalty held only by those who have never tasted the betrayal that comes with the constant stress and competition of staying at the top.

As I approached them, I mentally prepared myself to be scolded for my callous treatment of you. Whilst I knew that my scathing comments had hurt you deeply, I justified my behaviour by telling myself that you deserved worse for your poor decision to date Kinnosuke, one of the few people in the world who could possibly be even more foolish and rash than yourself. I scoffed when they ignored my approach and raised their voice instead. They were so transparent. It was obvious that they wanted me to hear…

My mind suddenly went blank when their words struck me. A cold fist closed around my heart and it was suddenly extremely difficult to breathe. My body was functioning on autopilot and my feet continued to carry me towards home. However, I was completely unaware of my surroundings and only heard their voices reverberating in my head…

"… _Kinnosuke is proposing to Kotoko tonight!"_

"_Do you think she will accept?"_

"_I'm sure she will. After all, he's loved her for so long and has been so patient with her…"_

My first coherent thought moments later was that no, there was no way that you could marry Kinnosuke. This was followed by a feeling of deep betrayal. How could you agree? How could you when all along you have been proclaiming that you liked me, and even hinted at loving me? Was everything a lie? Now I know that I was being a hypocrite. I had no right to insist that you should not marry someone else, not when everyone knew that I was making plans to marry another girl and was breaking your heart in the process. However, at the point in time, I only knew that there was no way I would allow you to like someone else.

I was overconfident. I knew that I was a genius. Yet, I did not realised how blind I was, until Sahoko pointed out to me that I liked you, a lot. Immediately, it became blindingly obvious – why I found myself constantly irritated by you, why I was constantly so mean to you, why I confided in you things that I told no one else, and why I was able to maintain my cool around everyone but lost all control when I was dealing with you. I remember the only thought that I had on my mind was – please don't let me be too late.

The subsequent events are a bit blurry. I recall rushing to Uncle's restaurant, and the despair that I had felt when I realised the shop was closed. The disappointment that I felt was overpowering when I thought I had lost you to another man.

I remember how my heart skipped a beat when I bumped into you. Did you realise how much you looked like an innocent angel under that umbrella? Or at least you would have, except for the heartbreaking look of desolation on your face. An expression which, I realised with a pang, I never wanted to see on your face ever again.

I could not stop myself asking if you had agreed to marry Kinnosuke. You were right to tell me that it was none of my business. However, in the end you caved and told me that you would leave the house with Uncle before I married Sahoko. I lost all control of myself again when you said that you would marry Kinnosuke. I think I yelled at you and told you that you were not allowed to like anyone else except for me. I will never forget the devastated look on your face and the pain in your eyes as you completely broke down. Your hands were shaking as you clung onto the lapels of my jacket, and your voice broke as you confessed that you only liked me, but there was nothing you could do because I did not, and would never, return your feelings.

My only thought was that I had to tell you how wrong you were. And I suddenly found myself cradling your beloved face in my hands and kissing you with a passion - a passion that I had never known that I was capable of feeling. Well, at least that effectively shut you up. I realised then that I was never going to let you go, that I could never let you marry anyone else, because I wanted you to be mine alone. Somehow, your persistence had worn me down and you had wormed your way into my cold heart. I had unknowingly fallen in love with you, deeply and irrevocably.

Life with you is always one big adventure. Indeed, fear is now a much more constant companion then previously. With your penchant to get into trouble, I always worry that one day you will get into something over your head and I would not be around to bail you out. Hopefully, that will never happen. I will try my best to be vigilant, and I know that your friends also watch out for you. I love you, Kotoko. I cannot bear to imagine how dreary my life would be without you.


	2. Chapter 2 Tears

Tears

I have a secret to confess… I hate it when you cry.

Whenever I see your eyes brimming with tears, their normal sparkle replaced with anguish, I feel a horrible emptiness in my chest and an overwhelming need to hold you and protect you. Yet, many times I can only stand by helplessly, not knowing what to do to alleviate the pain that I inflicted on you. If you only knew how much I abhorred myself each time for making you cry.

I still remember the one occasion when I honestly thought that we were not going to make it as a couple, when you completely broke down in front of me. You thought that I was cold hearted, that I simply did not care. You never knew that my heart was shattering with every single one of your cries.

You always thought that you were the only one in love, and even when I told you otherwise, you believed that your love for me was far stronger than mine for you. Sometimes, I really want to tear my hair out in despair. Why on earth have I fallen in love with such a simpleton? Yes, my world does not revolve around you in the same way that yours revolves around me. I do not shout out my love to the world, please, I have always had great difficulty in expressing my emotions. However, that does not mean that I do not have any. Isn't it enough that I always watch over you and take care of you? Isn't it enough that I only get injured in order to prevent you from coming to any harm? Can you not see that I treat you so differently from others, that you are special to me? If it is obvious even to strangers, why do you remain so oblivious?

You pretend to be reading, however, there is no way I would fall for the act. The likelihood of you reading of your own accord is like me agreeing to show others my baby photos. I glance at you, just in time to see another tear plopping down on the page. My heart clenches and I am suddenly finding it difficult to breathe. Did I tell you that one thing that I hate more than seeing you cry is when you try to hide your suffering from me and bear your burdens alone? You know that I can resolve your problems much more easily than yourself or anyone else for the matter. I am not a considered a genius for my looks.

I know that you are worried that you will become blind and that our child will also be afflicted with the similar ailment. Place your trust in me. If this really comes to pass, trust that I will find a remedy if there is any to be found. If there is not, trust that I will continue to take care of you and our child to the best of my ability for the rest of our lives. Kotoko, trust me.

As I watch you quietly, the trembling of your small frame becomes more apparent. Heaving a sigh, I pushed away my books and walk to your side. In one smooth movement, I sit down and pull you onto my lap. You let out a startled squawk and tense for a moment before relaxing in my embrace, burrowing your head into my chest.

"I'm sorry." Your words were so softly spoken that I had to strain my ears to catch them.

"Don't be a goose." There was absolute silence.

"You look ugly when you cry." Bad move, more tears soaked the front of my shirt. I heaved another sigh and simply held you close, letting you cry your heart out for the umpteenth time since you heard of the news.

"I don't want to leave you." I blinked. There had to be something wrong with my ears, unless… My blood turned cold. I had thought that the worse case scenario was you becoming blind. Was I wrong? The alternative was unthinkable. I gently but firmly tilted your head so that I could look into those red-rimmed eyes.

"Is there anything that you are not telling me?" My voice was abnormally calm. Those eyelashes fluttered as you looked adorably confused. However, for once I was not distracted. "About your illness," I prompted.

"Eh?"

"What do you mean by saying that you don't want to leave me?" My calm façade was going to crumble within moments.

"Oh," awareness finally dawned on the silly girl. "No, no, I didn't mean anything, other than the fact that I never want to leave you. I love you, Naoki-kun." A single tear slid down your smooth cheek. My heart gave a wrench, and then I was crushing you to me and kissing the daylights out of you.

Our lovemaking that night was not tender. I desperately needed to feel you close to me, to convince myself that you were not going to disappear on me anytime. You clung onto me just as tightly and as fervently. We did not let go of each other for the entire night, and I knew you were wishing that we could remain this way forever.

Life is pretty much back to normal. You still get into the strangest situations, thus keeping me on my toes and constantly bailing you out of trouble. You still cry, and most of the times because of me. However, I have been doing my best to prevent that from happening. After all, I still cannot bear to see you cry…


End file.
